For Fun...

 

This is great!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Nothing says 'Christmas' like sheep decked out in colored lights!)

 

The latest YouTube hit!!! Fresh from Miloski's Turkey Farm!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

An oldie but goodie:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Someone asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him.

"All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home

from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put

on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.' 

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious

internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the

table. 

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his

system could have handled it : 

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card. 

In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good

only at Sears Roebuck.  Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.  Either way, there is no Roebuck

anymore.  Maybe he died. 

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had

heard of soccer.  I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed,

(slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.  It was, of course, black and white,

and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem

about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m.  And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.  (Remember 'Modern Farmer' at 5am? It was either channel 3 or channel 8)

I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' 
When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down,

plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.. 

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and

it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't 
already using the line.
  

(Dial phones came to the East End about 1960. Until then you actually spoke

to an operator. One night I called my mom at work to squeal on my brothers 

were beating each other up--again. We were old enough to be left home alone.

The operator, a local lady who had 'babysat' us in the past and knew my

brothers very well, told me not to bother my mom, who would be

'too busy at the restaurant', and she made me put my brothers on the phone so

SHE could  tell them to behave --or else!

'It takes a village'--and in those days, the village was only too happy to

yell at you when you needed it.--Mary)

 

Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was. 

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers -- my brother

delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to

keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning. 

On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers

were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite

customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day. 

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were

no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy

viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive. (Anybody remember 

 having to check the movie ratings in the 'Long Island Catholic' before you were

allowed to go to the movies?)

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some

of these memories with your children or grandchildren.  Just don't blame me if they bust

a gut laughing. 

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it? 

MEMORIES from a friend: 

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me

an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes

in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea.. She thought

they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that 

sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have

steam irons. Man, I am old.
 How many do you remember? 

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. 
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals. 

Older Than Dirt Quiz : 
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. 

Ratings at the bottom. 

1.. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles 
5. Coffee shops or diners with table side juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie 
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax 
11.. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate]). 
12. Peashooters 
13. Howdy Doody 

14. 45 RPM records 
15. S& H green stamps 
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
 
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb. (remember the flash cubes?)
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns 
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers 

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older 
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!


I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!! 
Especially to all your really 
OLD friends....

 

 

Retirees are returning to the workforce: 

 

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.  
 
ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do..
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo. 

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
 

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
 
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
 
 

 

 

 Scary how much things have changed....  ( 'Sherman, set the Wayback Machine!")

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Only one word for this--'amazing'. 

 

 

Not P.C. now, but a classic.... 

 

 The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. 
 
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share 
some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. 

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' 

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?' 
 
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up." 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 Next time you're in Riverhead, don't forget to see 'The Bernie", by Michaelangelo

 

Thanks to Karen's friend, Carl, for this gem:

Drug companies continue to do research on new drugs, many aimed at women.

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person".

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

 

 

This is so bad its good....Don't worry, I'll take it down soon!

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Subject:  How bad is it?
 

 

The economy is so bad that:   I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,  "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked  "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in  Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
  
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great!!   The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!


And, finally... 

 

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.,  I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 


 

 

 

 

 

 Thanks to Joe Ahearn for this gem:

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination  
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists 

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs              (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)


Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery               (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow                                               (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                (wtf!)                                                  

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium            (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in  Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.                              (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness 
A. When you are sick at the airport.                  (Irrefutable)


Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.                      (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant) 

 Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

 

 

 

 

OK, this one's a little speecy-spicy, but you get the idea even if you don't know Italian!

 

 

 The Drinking Song from Verdi's Opera La Traviata.  (Mary put this up,  with notes from K)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Actual application to Walmart in Arkansas by 75-year-old. They hired him!!!

 

NAME: Jack Buckley   (Grumpy ***)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:  Company’s President or Vice President.  But seriously, whatever’s available.  If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If  that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

BIRTHDATE:   February 29    EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:  A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

! REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MA Y WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  Oh yes, absolutely.  

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 

 Matt says he 'dancing badly around the world'--you can see more about the making of this video and also the Google Earth version of his locations on YouTube. Time  well wasted!

 

 

 

The Big Duck

Field review by the editors.

Flanders, New York

 

The people of Long Islandlove the Big Duck -- or so we're told. The odd-shaped building, on the eastern end near the Hamptons, is one of the few good examples of roadside architecture within easy driving distance of New York City (next closest is Lucy the Elephant, down in Margate, New Jersey). Hence all the attention the Duck gets in any book or article written about wacky structures along America's highways.

In 1931, Riverhead duck farmer Martin Maurer built this 20-ft. tall, 30-ft. long eye-catcher using concrete (technically, "ferrocement") applied over a wooden frame. Taillights from a Model T Ford became its eyes, glowing red at night. Maurer sold ducks and eggs from the shop in its belly.

Vintage view.

Maurer drew his inspiration from odd structures he had seen in California, especially a building shaped like a giant coffee pot. Shrewdly, Maurer patented his fowl creation, and the Duck became the darling of locals and travelers. This may explain why, in the world of architecture, any building shaped like its product is referred to as a "duck." Not a "coffeepot."

Maurer is long dead, and the Big Duck has shifted locale a few times. When the land was earmarked for development, giant duck preservationists and the Friends for Long Island's Heritage campaigned to save it. The owners donated the Big Duck to Suffolk County in 1987. In 1988 it moved from Flanders to Hampton Bays along Route 24 at the entrance of Sears-Bellow County Park. The shop still operates -- now as a tourism center for the East end of Long Island, selling duck souvenirs to flocks of city weekend-trippers.

Big Duck at Christmas time.
Big Duck at Christmas time.

Each year, (the first Wednesday in December) the Suffolk County Parks Department sponsors the Annual Holiday Lighting of the Big Duck. Local school children sing "Duck" carols, and warm refreshments including hot chocolate, cookies and doughnuts are served. Visitors join in singing the duck carols while awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus, transported by the Flanders Fire Department. Once Santa arrives, the switch is flipped and the Big Duck lights up for all to see.

Update - October 2007: The houses were never built, and so after 19 years the Big Duck has been moved four miles northeast, back to its old location in Flanders. The town reportedly plans to bring back the duck farm and open it and the Duck as a combined tourist attraction.

 

The Big Duck

Address:
Flanders Road, Flanders, NY
Directions:
I-495/Long Island Expressway, Exit 71. Turn right at CR-94 East/Edwards Ave/RT-24 East for 4.3 mi. At traffic circle, take the 3rd exit onto Flanders Rd/RT-24 East 2.4 mi. Duck is on the left.
Hours:
Memorial-Labor Day, daily 10-5 (Closed lunch 1-1:30 pm); weekends only thru Nov. (Call to verify)
Phone:
631-852-8290

[Show Map]

 

 

 

 

 

**************** 


First Year Teacher to His Students 
by Gary J. Whitehead 

Go now into summer, into the backs of cars,                            
into the black maws of your own changing, 
onto the boardwalks of a thousand splinters, 
onto the beaches of a hundred fond memories 
in wait, where the sea in all its indefatigability 
stammers at the invitation. Go to your vacation, 

to the late morning cool of your basement rooms, 
the honeysuckle evening of the first kiss, the first 
dip and pivot, swivel and twist. Go to where 
the clipper ships sail far upriver, where the salmon 
swim in the clean, cool pools just to spawn. 
Wake to what the spider unspools into a silver 

dawn dripping with light. Sleep in sleeping bags, 
sleep in sand, sleep at someone else's house 
in a land you've never been, where the dreamers 
dream in a language you only half understand. 
Slip beneath the sheets, slide toward the plate, 
swing beneath the bandstand where the secret 

things await. Be glad, or be sad if you want, 
but be, and be a part of all that marches past 
like a parade, and wade through it or swim in it 
or dive in it with your eyes open and your mind 
open to wind, rain, long days of sun and longer 
nights of city lights mixing on wet streets like paint. 

"First Year Teacher to His Students" by Gary J. Whitehead, from Measuring Cubits While the Thunder Claps. © David Robert Brooks, 2008. Reprinted with permission. 

                                                      

 

 

 

 
 

Do you recognize the 'Rogue Nuns'?  How about the real ones? Send in your answers!

 
 

 You Know You're Getting Old When...

 

 
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your back goes out more than you do.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before.
You don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... have come back in style.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
You look for your glasses for half-an-hour, then find they've been on your head all the time.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
Happy hour is a nap.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You got cable for the weather channel. Old Folks MTV!
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
You don't remember being absentminded.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your drugs of preference are now vitamins.
You tip more and carry less.
You read more and remember less.
You get propositioned by AARP.
Younger women start opening doors for you.
You begin to become invisible in the dating and mating game.
The highway patrol sigh or shake their heads but don't give you a ticket.
You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters.
You are no longer 'promising'.
Younger men ask you for advice.
You work on your short game.
Youthful injuries return with a vengeance.
Youthful indiscretions harden into bad habits.
You shop for health insurance the way you once shopped for a new car.
Your medical expenses go up 50%.
A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.
You learn where your prostrate is.
You develop a knack for wearing hats.
 

 
 
                 The first senior moment?........
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
      
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana.'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order is 'To Go'. 
 9. 
Sing Along At The Opera. 
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' 
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 
13Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' 

 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity (somewhat naughty)

 14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

Senior Dress Code

 

Many of us ' Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

 
 
 
Don't you love the dog....
 
 
 
 
  1. A nose ring and bifocals
  2. Spiked hair and bald spots
  3. A pierced tongue and dentures
  4. Mini skirts and support hose
  5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
  6. Speedo's and cellulite
  7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
  8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
  9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
  10. Bikinis and liver spots
  11. Short shorts and varicose veins
  12. Inline skates and a walker -
    And last, but not least:
  13. Thongs and Depends

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Live long enough to be a REAL concern to your kids!